On Remembering

Thoughts on Memorial Day

Howdy,

I’ll be gettin’ off the grid tomorrow for another trip to the greatest state in the Union: TEXAS—-yeehaw! It’s going to be a grand ol’ time. Headn down to Corpus Christi, meeting up with old friends and their broods too.

I’m going to have fun this Memorial Day.

I never thought I’d write that after the last few years. In years past, the enormity of the day would bear down on me, unleashing old nightmares again. At times, I dreaded Memorial Day. It would trigger my rage at the United States—and its people.

But I’m feeling better now. The rage inside of me is slowly dying. There are still days when I fall into despair. When old ghosts come back into my life, the body blows can still knock me down. But the valleys are shallower now.

I made it. I lived.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I would. Like I’ve said—and will say forever!—there are thousands of American troops with more combat time than me. I didn’t kill Bin Laden. I never got a knife kill. But I did party from time to time.

As an Air Force enabler on Army maneuver units, I had to earn my respect. I did that by not trying to be an operator. Do you know why? I wasn’t one. However, I was very good at two things in short supply: I could connect with Afghans (and, to a far lesser degree, Iraqis), and because I read voraciously, I could tie our interlocutors to previous power brokers. I proved my worth, so I got to play.

I spent half of my 4+ years in Iraq and Afghanistan at the tactical level. But even when I was in the Embassy and Resolute Support HQ, I still went out, but my freedom of movement was restricted. I tried my hardest my entire career to find my way onto the battlefield—-service, branch, and specialty be damned!

I didn’t care because I wanted to win. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to win more than anything.

And that was the problem, of course.

But I see that now. And that’s a victory in and of itself.

While I’m only at the beginning stages of my moral recovery, I can see the field now. I don’t drink anymore, I take care of myself, and I enjoy creating content for everyone.

This platform—GCV-F—is a huge part of my path toward moral recovery. On GCV-F, I can heal through storytelling and writing. More importantly, I can help elevate the voices of others who’ve been affected by war.

Because that’s what we do: we create a space for others to learn about more from those who’ve experienced it.

I’m excited for the first time in a very long time. The freedom retirement has brought me is magical.

As we continue building this site, I want to thank you for sharing this journey with me. It means the world to me—and Kate K.

So, while I’ll have a solemn moment to reflect on Memorial Day, I also intend to do what my brothers would’ve wanted me to do: have fun and live my life.

And that’s precisely what I’m going to do.

I lived. Amazing.

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Today, we published our first episode of Stories From My Brothers. If you missed it, no worries; you can listen to it on Spotify and Apple podcasts (we’re working on expanding it)

We had a great conversation with my brother, Colonel Khial Shinwary.

(I wrote a great piece about him on the day I retired.)

I consider him and his family as part of my family.

Wonderful humans. Amazing Americans.

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Lastly, be on the lookout (BOLO) for a Memorial Day piece from The Bulwark today or tomorrow. If you have the time, check out last year’s article, too.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend with your family. Say a prayer or reflect on those who made the ultimate sacrifice so we could have this wonderful country.

Until Next Time