Howdy,
Ok, I’ve ranted and raved for a few days. I’m feeling better today. It’s hard to describe how angry I am that Sirajuddin Haqqani is out and about. But, alas, it’s out of my control.
It takes me about 24 hours now to step down from the rage. That little beast inside of me wanted to get out today.
So I let him.
I get asked a lot about how I survived 4+ years downrange. I should be dead. Or so fucked up that I’m not much used to many people. I’ve seen it happen to many of my brothers and sisters in arms.
Therapy is great. It’s important. Medication has its place, too, though I fear that’s far too often the first weapon pulled in a mental health fight. I dig meditation. It’s an essential part of my routine, as is prayer. I put on the kippah every morning and evening to recite the proper passages.
However, nothing in my bag of tricks helps me more than working out. And I mean really working out. Working out so hard you puke. That’s when you know you’re in the zone, baby.
Today, I strapped on my newest toy.
Oh yes. I got an exercise vest. Feel free to mock at will. I could care less. NorthGym makes a great product. They know what they’re doing. It’s about 20 lbs, so waaay less than I used to carry in the field.
But it does the job.
What’s the job?
It allows me to remember. When I put that on, I go to my place far away from the sounds of man.
Today, I went on a hunt for Sirajuddin Haqqani. I let myself go there. I fantasized about killing him. I thought about how pleasurable it would be to see him die, this man who killed 2,000+ American soldiers.
This is a place where I only go. In my little reality. I lose focus on everything. For a short time, I’m back in my happy place, on the hunt for those who’ve killed innocent women and children. For a man who rapes and murders at will.
The United States government may have forgiven him. But I have not.
And that beast—that magnificent beast inside of me—came out to play today. I ran in the heat with this thing on for nearly an hour, doing burpees, rope climbs, and everything in between.
An hour later, it looked like I had jumped in the pool.
“Bro, you’re insane,” said one of the CrossFit coaches.
“Yes, yes I am,” I replied. “I went to a mental hospital for a month.”
For my brothers and sisters in arms struggling with the demons inside your soul, get in the gym. Train like you’re going back out there. Let yourself remember what was enjoyable about it all. And release that anger and hate on the enemies who didn’t quite get the justice they deserve.
Allow yourself to remember the pleasure of it all.
It’s okay to say you liked it. It’s not OK to be that way anymore in the United States, but please take a visit. I promise you will feel better.
Immediately after the workout, I felt better, like a load of hate had been removed from my shoulders.
Killing in war is awful. But it’s also gratifying. And for those of us who’ve hunted armed men long enough and liked it, there’s nothing quite like it ever again.
Visiting that sacred place is part of my healing path, and I strongly encourage you to do the same.
Stories From My Brothers
Tomorrow, episode 3 of STFMB (work with me here, people) drops.
My brother, 1Lt Shirzad Sarbaz, somehow survived the fall of Kabul and, due to his persistence, helped rescue nearly his entire family.
Listen to one of America’s newest heroes.
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Until Next Time
Well a lot of what you say here has crossed my mind. First, yes every time you went back over there I thought something along the lines of "Sure he is more experienced but does it count that he is also raising the chances of something happening to him". I mean I felt like there was a huge dice roll happening somewhere every time you went back. I thought about that a lot and was always grateful when you stepped off the planeback in the USA. Second you are incredibly disciplined and self aware and committed to self care. Exercise as I have seen you do through the years has saved you. Writing, eating healthy and all the things you do has helped you transition with success so when the bad days come you have the tools to deal. We need to start teaching all of these tools to others somehow and of course you are doing so when you write about it. And by the way, I wish the Haqquani guy was dead and I will be happy when some accident or otherwise befalls him. I can not tolerate this stuff where our own government has given him a big pass. It makes no sense. I will tell you that most of America may have forgotten but if you ask most Texans they would sign up, saddle up and go get him with you. Us folks on the edge here In Texas may be less sophisticated and less up on the latest CRT bullish*t but we know how to fight.
Exercise is great! I wonder if you would like ultra trail runs. I’m old and slow, but I love long trail runs more than CrossFit because of the addition of nature. A long run up and down mountains and through the forest with a 20 pound pack (full of the things you need in the mountains) is perfect. Maybe give it a try.