On Conspiracy Theories

Bruh, we ain't that good.

Howdy GCVers (you get it?)

First, I wanted to drop a note and thank everyone who has given me some moolah. I appreciate it. I’m not planning on charging for a bit, but I always enjoy a tip.

Anyway, let me get something off my chest: conspiracy theories drive me nuts!

For the last 20 years, I’ve dealt with conspiracy theorists like you would some kid tripping on acid: I’m polite, try to make sure they’re not a danger to themselves or others, and send them on their merry way.

But let me also say something else as a 20-year former member of the Deep State: you think far too highly of us. The idea that we can pull off some of these outlandish theories, from 9-11 was an inside job to —checks notes — Taylor Swift is a deep state psyop is not only absurd but, more importantly, utterly ignorant of our capabilities.

Let me get this straight: the same people who brought you the invasion of Iraq, the disastrous retreat from Afghanistan, and the Obamacare rollout (to name just a few of the Deep State’s greatest hits) are somehow able to rig a domestic election without any actual tangible proof? Are you crazy? Have you not been paying attention — gestures wildly — to what’s been happening recently?

I’ve worked for, alongside, and adjacent to every American intelligence agency. And, yes, they’re for the most part filled with great Americans trying to look around corners inside of the world’s most frustrating bureaucratic monster. . the intelligence community.

Because — say it with me — there is no bureaucracy like intel bureaucracy because intel bureaucracy don’t stop. Catchy little jingle, right?

This idea that the American intelligence community is something out of Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible series is ludicrous. Most of the time, it’s like Office Space but only with “classified” information.

Yes, we do meaningful work. And sure, the CIA’s National Clandestine Service does some pretty cool stuff. But, please, we’re not precisely ninjas either, people.

Moreover, in case you haven’t noticed, we have a hard time keeping anything secret. For G*d’s sake, a twenty-something-year-old Airman dropped “classified” stuff into a freakn’ Discord channel for months, and we were blissfully unaware.

I’m here to tell you that on most mornings, it is a freaking miracle we can find our keys.

Also, do you think all of our agencies work well together? Ha! Even inside the intelligence community, there are simmering rivalries inside various agencies. I cannot tell you how many pissn’ contests have erupted over things that are so trivial as to blow your freakn’ mind. I’ve seen very senior officers throw down over seating charts, people.

Honestly, I never thought I’d see conspiracy theories be so prevalent in modern America. Hell, I got used to them dealing with Afghans or Iraqis.

“No, sahib, we are not secretly aligned with Pakistan. No, we did not create the Islamic State. The reasons for us allowing Pakistani malfeasance are complicated.”

It’s easier and more comforting to believe crazy conspiracies than admit the truth: the world is complex and shitty things happen.

For example, we provided Pakistan with billions of dollars throughout our disaster in Afghanistan, and they turned around and killed thousands of American soldiers.

It wasn’t because the Deep State plotted with Pakistani ISI (screw those guys forever, by the way). It was because we are —to steal a phrase from General McMaster’s—strategically gullible and believe that because people whisper sweet nothings in our ears, they will change their behavior. Yes, I know there’s more to it than that, people, but if I start hammering away at Pakistan, this thing might go on for the next. . . ten thousand pages or so.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Conspiracy theories.

I know they will never go away. They are part of the human condition.

But the next time, your crazy Uncle — and why is it always an Uncle? — starts going on about how Antifa via the FBI stormed the Capitol or that the CIA helped steal the election; ask him one question: If they can do all that, then why is everything else always such a shit show?